When Will I Ever Learn

WHEN WILL I EVER LEARN?

By: ME

02/28/2013

Old habits die hard, I guess. Instead of sitting alone or doing everything by myself, I decided to try again to meet nice people and/or potential friends.

I thought that I had spent enough time away from personal relationships (about three years) to teach myself not to be overly giving and allowing potential friends to intentionally or unintentionally expect too much from me.

I have always been a “giver,” even as a child. I believe this started out to be a way to seek out love from other people. I figured that if I were nice, giving, and accommodating to my peers, they would in turn like or love me. It very rarely turned out the way I had hoped.

Since I did not get too much concern or love from my upbringing, I sought this from the outside world. Even 50 years ago, people were opportunistic (even the kids that were my age), thereby taking advantage of me because they knew they could get away with it. I was like an abused puppy, always returning to the abusers for more.

Now, at the age of 54+, things have not changed much, especially me! I still seem to become acquainted with people that rapidly fall in love/like with me, only to get tired of me if I cannot follow through with helping them in some way. Initially, they overlook any of my faults or flaws, as they are enchanted by my willingness to accommodate them in a multitude of ways.

When I spread myself too thin, trying to do more than I need to for these people, I become unable to fulfill their needs. That is when the methods to their madnesses become evident, as they will expect my assistance at a moment’s notice, on a regular basis. They then become extremely upset with me when I cannot drop everything to be there for them. Most of the time, these people are not available when I need assistance…go figure!!!

Again, this happens because I allow it to happen. I guess I still have not learned how to set limitations and boundaries, thus causing this repetitive outcome from people.

It is very discouraging, as I still wonder if anyone really cares for me as the person I really am, instead of the person that they want me to be.

Well, I still fear being completely alone someday, and I would imagine that is just one reason why I continue to sabotage myself by getting involved in unhealthy, non-reciprocation relationships.

The few current acquaintances in my life have taken a different attitude toward me lately. I do realize that other people have a lot of their own difficulties and issues to deal with; however, I am seeing that after I have fulfilled whatever need they request of me, they become abrupt and in a hurry to get rid of me for the rest of that particular day.

Okay, this hurts like Hell! If I did this to any of these acquaintances, I would face their wrath of angry words, insults, accusations that I pushed my help or affections on them, and ultimately telling me to get lost!

I probably am better off by myself, but that is a lonely life to lead.

I lost my beloved pet this past January, and I never realized how much lonelier I would be without her unconditional love. If I could, I would surround myself with loving pets instead of demanding, judgemental, and unappreciative people.

In order to maintain any kind of relationship nowadays, it has become extremely emotionally and physically draining, especially when I have not yet learned how to be less available and overly giving of myself, as well as not properly setting my own limitations and boundaries with people.

Alas, WHEN WILL I EVER LEARN!