When Will I Ever Learn

WHEN WILL I EVER LEARN?

By: ME

02/28/2013

Old habits die hard, I guess. Instead of sitting alone or doing everything by myself, I decided to try again to meet nice people and/or potential friends.

I thought that I had spent enough time away from personal relationships (about three years) to teach myself not to be overly giving and allowing potential friends to intentionally or unintentionally expect too much from me.

I have always been a “giver,” even as a child. I believe this started out to be a way to seek out love from other people. I figured that if I were nice, giving, and accommodating to my peers, they would in turn like or love me. It very rarely turned out the way I had hoped.

Since I did not get too much concern or love from my upbringing, I sought this from the outside world. Even 50 years ago, people were opportunistic (even the kids that were my age), thereby taking advantage of me because they knew they could get away with it. I was like an abused puppy, always returning to the abusers for more.

Now, at the age of 54+, things have not changed much, especially me! I still seem to become acquainted with people that rapidly fall in love/like with me, only to get tired of me if I cannot follow through with helping them in some way. Initially, they overlook any of my faults or flaws, as they are enchanted by my willingness to accommodate them in a multitude of ways.

When I spread myself too thin, trying to do more than I need to for these people, I become unable to fulfill their needs. That is when the methods to their madnesses become evident, as they will expect my assistance at a moment’s notice, on a regular basis. They then become extremely upset with me when I cannot drop everything to be there for them. Most of the time, these people are not available when I need assistance…go figure!!!

Again, this happens because I allow it to happen. I guess I still have not learned how to set limitations and boundaries, thus causing this repetitive outcome from people.

It is very discouraging, as I still wonder if anyone really cares for me as the person I really am, instead of the person that they want me to be.

Well, I still fear being completely alone someday, and I would imagine that is just one reason why I continue to sabotage myself by getting involved in unhealthy, non-reciprocation relationships.

The few current acquaintances in my life have taken a different attitude toward me lately. I do realize that other people have a lot of their own difficulties and issues to deal with; however, I am seeing that after I have fulfilled whatever need they request of me, they become abrupt and in a hurry to get rid of me for the rest of that particular day.

Okay, this hurts like Hell! If I did this to any of these acquaintances, I would face their wrath of angry words, insults, accusations that I pushed my help or affections on them, and ultimately telling me to get lost!

I probably am better off by myself, but that is a lonely life to lead.

I lost my beloved pet this past January, and I never realized how much lonelier I would be without her unconditional love. If I could, I would surround myself with loving pets instead of demanding, judgemental, and unappreciative people.

In order to maintain any kind of relationship nowadays, it has become extremely emotionally and physically draining, especially when I have not yet learned how to be less available and overly giving of myself, as well as not properly setting my own limitations and boundaries with people.

Alas, WHEN WILL I EVER LEARN!

“MY MAN OF SWEET DREAMS”

By: Sharon-Sciarelli Halliday

(Version #3)

My love for you is so very strong
Waiting for you has been promising but so very long
Seems like you’re almost here, but suddenly you’re gone
Has this relationship been right, or has it been wrong…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

{CHORUS}
My heart is nearly at the break
And I cannot alleviate this ache
I want to believe in the promises you make
But the pain of waiting for you is so hard to take

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You have many worlds, and I have only one
The bliss of my world is so close to none
Seems like it’s almost here, then suddenly it’s gone
When will my pain of waiting finally be done…?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

{REPEAT CHORUS}

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

[BRIDGE (?)]
So I guess you’re just…MY man of sweet dreams,
But it feels like you are tearing me apart at the seams
Can you help me try to understand
Why your promises of an everlasting love
Slip away like tiny grains of sand

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

{REPEAT CHORUS}

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
But my love for you is still so very strong
And I’m trying so hard to keep holding on
Waiting for our YOU and ME, to build upon
And I’m terrified that before WE can BE
This dream will be gone

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

{REPEAT CHORUS}

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So please tell me, is your love really what you make it seem
Or will I wake to find out what it really means
That it’s true, you’re only MY MAN OF SWEET DREAMS…
It’s so sad that you’re just...

"MY MAN OF SWEET DREAMS"

 “HOLD DEAR, THIS PEACEFUL GLIMPSE OF SUCH A COMMON OCCURRENCE “

By: Sharon Sciarelli-Halliday

Thursday, December 08, 2011 – 8:45 p.m.

At this evening hour, as I hurried to gather the last bits of trash to put out at curbside, I felt a sense of anticipation. Not a foreboding, but more a feeling of looking forward to my short venture out into the crisp pre-winter air.

I chose a heavier jacket this night, as the warm spell of weather we had been having took a turn toward the norm of chill for this time of year.

I made my way through the two front doors, with my bag of trash in tow, taking care to keep the storm door unlocked as I shut it behind me. I truly love the crispness of this pre-winter air, though not enough to be in its icy grip until the morn, had I left a locked door behind me.

After putting my trash to curbside, I headed back to this good old front porch. As I lit a not-so-necessary cigarette, I set forth to reflect on my simple day.

I imagined what this little nighttime neighborhood must have been like more than forty years past. Certainly more quiet, not even a vehicle passing by, with only the sound of my own heartbeat, and the end-of-the-day images floating past my mind’s eye.

As I quietly recalled the events of this day, now nearing its end, I glanced up at the moon. It was waxing toward full, bright, and encircled by a magical pattern of nighttime clouds. I thought, “Hello up there, anyone lookin’ back at me on this big blue marble?”

I then spied the twinkling lights of a jet on high, looking as if it was heading right toward this waxing moon. I stared, as the jet seemed to glide just underneath it, while leaving its vapor trail behind. I tried to imagine what those folks on that jet might have seen under its glorious lunar glow.

I stood for a few more moments, as I watched the jet’s vapor trail widen, with the winds aloft casting it adrift. Whilst in my realm of thoughtful bliss, I vowed to “hold dear, this peaceful glimpse of such a common occurrence.”

As I headed from this good old front porch, back into the warmth of my home, I thought, “Good night waxing moon; come Saturday you’ll be on the wane. Good night beautiful moon, I’ll see you yet again.”